Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I am 47 years old. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.
Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.
It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.
One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.
On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.
With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.
Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.
Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.
My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The inebriated scenes:
Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
Mouthing off on my iPhone
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I sense like I am heading home.